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| Picture by Dilleniidae |
Sacrifice those you love and the life you lived to bring forth the life you want.
I don’t want to say good-bye. I’m afraid to. It’s something I have done too many times. I always feel like crying.
“Captain Fujiwara,” someone calls.
I turn to see Renji running up. “Hello, Abarai-san. It’s nice to see you again.” In truth, I saw him about three minutes ago.
“Ah, I forgot to tell you that Captain Kuchiki is looking for you,” he says. “Sorry.”
I smile. “It’s fine. Thank you for telling me. Where is he?”
“My squad’s barracks.”
“Thanks, Abarai-san.” I wave good-bye before heading in the directions of his squad’s barracks. Turns out Captain Kuchiki wanted to complain about telling Yachiru-san where I had stumbled upon a secret entrance. Yachiru-san now is always in his house. I tell him I’ll offer to give up my stock of candy to her if she stops.
I head to the entrance to the human world. Today is my day off, and I figure it’d be fun to draw in various forests. No one can find me in one of those. When I arrive at my first one, the air is thick. I quickly wrap my white scarf around my face to allow for breathing. My eyes and ears are uncovered so I can keep track of anyone that comes near me. I make sure the scarf does not mess up my hair by only wrapping it along the lower half of my face. My pigtails are as neat as ever.
After drawing a bird sitting on a branch and singing, I start to become tired. Before I realize it, I’m asleep. My dreams are filled with my sisters. Our parents were never home, so I always helped them with their homework. I was the genius of the family. Uinde, despite being my twin, preferred watching anime and manga. I did it too, but I still studied. And then there was Hanako...
“Hey, Yasu Onee-chan, why do you never cry?” she had asked.
“I’m the oldest. I’m even a few minutes older than Uinde. So, it’s my job to be the strong one,” I replied. “If I cry, who will comfort you?”
She smiled. “I still think you should cry once in a while, Yasu onee-chan. Even strong people cry sometimes.”
I ruffled her black hair. It was always a length between Uinde’s short bobs and my long pigtails. “I’ll think about it.”
And then the dream turns sour. Before I realize it, I’m standing in her room, trying desperately to get the ambulance there. I keep shouting, “I don’t have a car! I’m underage! Why would I know how to drive?” She’s dying. She’s gasping for air, and her inhaler was left at school. The world is shaking and blurring. Why can’t I do anything?
“Hanako!” I scream.
I’m no longer in her bedroom. I’m in the forest again. Renji is looking at me. Concern is in his eyes.
“Captain Fujiwara, you were screaming,” he says. “Are you okay?”
“How did you find me?” I ask.
He smiles. “You always come here. Now, are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” I say.
He puts his hand on my face, and I flinch. He wipes at the corner of my eye. “You’re crying.”
My eyes widen. “Ah, I’m sorry.” I quickly get up. “Please forget you saw that.”
He stands up. “What’s so bad about crying? You should cry once in a while.”
I smile. “It’s nothing. Anyway, let’s go.” I turn to leave.
“Captain Fujiwara, can I ask who Hanako is?”
I freeze. “How do you know that name?”
“You screamed it when you woke up. Plus you kept screaming it in your sleep.”
A tear streaks down my cheek. “She’s no one. Just someone I once knew.”
“Yasu onee-chan, Uinde onee-chan, let’s go!”
Her face was always a smile...
“You can tell me, Captain Fujiwara.”
“If I do, I’ll cry. And I don’t want to cry. A big sister should never cry.”
“I thought you didn’t have any siblings.”
“I don’t. But I did.” I sigh. “Hanako was my younger sister. She died of an asthma attack.”
I get ready to use flash-step to leave, but a strong arm pulls me back. Before I realize it, I’m being held close to Renji. My eyes are wide, and before I can blink I’m in tears. I can’t stop them. I miss her so much. And then I ended up taking a deal that led me to a role that only dead people can take. I’m so stupid. What about Uinde? How is she dealing with this?
“Remember, those you love and hold dear to you will not know you. Those you call your family will not exist.”
My eyes widen. The tears start to flow even faster, and I’m crying into Renji’s chest. I feel so stupid. I miss my sisters. I miss both of them. Uinde never died, but I made it where she never lived either. I’m so mean.
“If you want to go back, you can. Just say so. But I suggest waiting until your memories of why you took the deal come back.”
I can’t wait. I don’t want to. I want to see Uinde’s smiling face again. I want to see her laughing. My life was never bad before I took the deal. There was nothing harmful happening, and I had so many friends. Miyako and Uinde were the best friends I could ask for...
“Abarai-san, how would you feel if I left?” I whisper. The tears are slowing down, and I can breathe easily.
“I would be sad, of course.”
“Why? Just because I’m your friend?”
I have to know before I ask to return...
“No. Because I love you.”
The tears start flowing again. I look up, press me lips into his, and whisper, “I want to see my sister again, Abarai-san. But that requires leaving.”
His arms tighten around me. “Well, it’s okay if you see her, right? I’ll just wait for the day when you can return.”
I smile. “Thank you, Abarai-san. I love you.” I take a deep breath and whisper, “I wish to take the deal back.”
I can feel myself fading. Renji’s arms aren’t something I can feel anymore. The memory of why I took the deal returns at that moment. The red-headed lieutenant with the cool tattoos. Even after taking the deal, I still loved his tattoos. He always made me laugh when he argued with Ichigo. The episodes of Bleach with him in them were always my favorites...
I open my eyes. I’m in my bedroom, under my large black comforter. The white pillows under my head feel so nice. A girl in a pink nightgown with a matching ribbon in her short black hair runs up and jumps onto my bed. “Get up, Yasu!”
I sigh. “I am up, Uinde.”
I climb out of bed and place my feet on the black carpet of my bedroom. It feels so nice. I look at my bedroom walls, covered in Bleach posters. When I took the deal, I was lying in bed, half-asleep. I wanted desperately to escape the pain of Hanako’s death. It only happened a week ago.
“Yasu, you were sleeping so quietly! Were you actually asleep?” asks Uinde.
“Yeah,” I say. “I just had a really nice dream.” Every night since Hanako’s death I had been overwhelmed with nightmares. “I really, really nice dream. I think you would have enjoyed it. Only if you replaced Renji with Shuuhei, though.” I smile sadly. “I was captain of squad 9. I was such a fantastic captain. I had many friends and I was there for a long time. The dream covered an entire year. The only catch was that my family never existed.”
She giggled. “Not sure I would sacrifice my family for that.”
“That’s why I chose to come back.”
She wraps her arms around me. “I’m glad you chose not to live without us.” She pulls away. “Now, what interesting thing happened?”
“Renji said he likes me. Oh, and I kissed him.”
She smirks. “Anything else?”
“I cried. But that’s it.”
“No way! Yasu crying? It was definitely a dream!”
I giggle. “Big sisters can cry.”
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| Picture by I-Am-Kokoro |
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